October 30, 2006

I had a dream the other day. The strange things is that I think I've had the same dream before. It was eerily similar. Same place, same feel, same mood, different girl. I'm not sure what to think about that. The dreams were obviously different, in the sense that in each one the girl acted like she would in real life, but there is still an obvious theme. Both time the women is someone that I love, and each time the dream takes place in the dining room of my mom's house. I find it interesting that the dream take place in one of the rooms that I spend little time in, when I am home. I guess it does make sense that it is there, since I have lived in three different places in three years here in Ames. And of course, my dreams usually take place in a place that if totally made up, or a place that I feel very comfortable in. My grandparent's house, or my house are two that I've seen over the years. I've also noticed that most of the dreams that I remember, in the past few years, are about women that I like/love. I guess that just adds my feeling that maybe I'm just searching for a home. Not just a place of my own, that I feel is truly mine, but a comfortable frame of mind. I've always felt as though I'm a guest in my parent's houses. They are great, but when I go back for breaks I find myself trying to split my time evenly between them. Sometimes I just spend day after day at one house, just because it is easier that way. But then I realize it, and I feel bad that I'm not visiting the other house.

Maybe that is why it was so incredibly hard for me when I lost my last girlfriend. In many of the songs I write, I mention Home. In high school I learned that a famous poet often wrote poetry with out punctuation, and that she capitalized the first letter of words that didn't mean what they said. Sometimes I throw that into my lyrics. When I use the word home I tend to mean Home, or the feeling of being at home. In one of my favorite songs I wrote the line "It's true that you are always my Home". Obviously that could mean many things, but I meant it to mean that I always felt at home when I was with whoever I was writing about.

Someday I will find that place where I feel at home. Until then, I plan on bouncing around, dreaming of a "place" that I have yet to find.

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