May 9, 2007

What happened to Andrew?

So what’s the deal?

I’m at home now, back in the Mini. And as much as I like to see my family, I don’t like being here. None of my friends are around (or they are working), I have no pre-defined schedule and I have nothing of substance to do. I get things done, but I really just float through the days. That means I have a lot of time and when I have a lot of time, I think. My mind really wanders until it reaches all the deepest depths of my conscience. I think about life, I think about music, I think about love. The last one is where I get into trouble.

Tonight I was preparing my computer for a total clean out and reinstallation of the operating system. That means everything must be backed up on my external hard drive. And guess what, lo and behold I find a file from my ex-girlfriend Linsey. Yes, I’m over her, but that doesn’t always mean good things. See, I figured it out. Thoughts about Linsey make me happy AND sad. I had fun while it lasted, and we broke up on fairly good terms, but I really don’t see her now. Now take into account that I haven’t had a girlfriend (or much of anything) since then. It sucks, I know. But that means that all my thoughts about dating and love and all that, bring me back to Linsey. So if all my thoughts on love bring me back to her, and thoughts about her are bitter-sweet, then my thoughts about love are bitter-sweet. And for those of your who really know me, that is not me. Love is kind of this end all to everything. It’s very important to me, yet it doesn’t feel right. It feels bitter-sweet.

Now back up to the file I found. It also reminded me of the past. It reminded me of my second semester freshman year. That was a good time. It was a time where I was making friends, having fun, and not worrying about much of anything next to getting the girl and enjoying life. Fast forward to now, where I have to get a job, work 40+ hours a week, and worry about 5 projects at once, all without any girlfriend prospects. Do you see the difference? Honestly, this may just sound like bitching, and that is fine with me. But I’ve come to the realization that I don’t like where my life is headed. And unless I become discovered musically in the next six months, that’s where I will be. I want to be a success, and society has shaped me to think that getting a good job at a company and working my ass off is the way to do so. So I want that. But I also want to be happy, and I know working hard and getting a fat paycheck won’t make me entirely happy. I need more than that. I’m just not getting it right now.

Hopefully Singida and KC will brighten my spirits, or at least Sarah coming back. All I know is that I’ve been home three days, and I already want to leave.


  1. How do you define "success"? And why do you want to be "successful"?

  2. i think someone needs a hug...