October 6, 2007

Is the world falling apart? For some people it is.

I got an IM from a friend today that I haven't talked to in a while. She recently graduated and is now in grad school out west. I guess she just needed someone to talk to. She told me that last night she asked a friend if he would date her and he responded with something along the lines of "I like this other girl". Combine that with another friend breaking up with his longtime GF, and I started thinking about love.

My friend told me earlier that "Love just sucks". In my current state, I would have to hardily agree. But I haven't always felt this way. You see, I think Love is more like a cliff or a mountain. When you are in love, you are on top of the mountain. You feel like nothing can touch you. The world and everything in it is beautiful. But then you get dumped, and you fall. And it's a long fall, all the way down. You make bad decisions and only end up hurting yourself more, until you finally hit the bottom. Then, after a little while, you decide to pick yourself up and start climbing up that mountain. But it's hard and it sucks and all you can see is those people still on top that are so happy and completely oblivious to your pain. Their happiness shields them, and they see even your trouble as a passing thing. They really have no idea. You've never really felt pain until you've had your heart broken and had to live with it for weeks... months... years.

So you have to climb by yourself. Maybe you'll find someone to help you climb, to climb with you. So when you finally reach the top you have someone who has weathered through the pain with you, and it's that much more beautiful to see. At least until you lose it again, and plummet once again.



So yes, "Love sucks". Although I never went to a doctor, when my ex broke up with me, I'm pretty sure I was clinically depressed for a year. But there was a time when I truly believed that with love, I could get through anything. What I didn't realize was what happened when that love went away, and it's safety net with it. I wasn't prepared, which made the fall even worse. And I sat at the bottom of the mountain and thought to myself, "what the hell just happened?" So now, as yet again I climb that bastard of a hill, my heart has become hardened. I no longer give of myself to everyone. I now do things for me, even if they hurt other people sometimes. Tough cookies.

Despite all of this, I am and always will be a hopeless romantic. I still (literally) have dreams about being in love and I know some day I will be again. I don't want to be a heartless ass, but sometimes I can't help it. And at least one of my friends has noticed that I'm not exactly the same.

So as I listened to my friend vent about how his girlfriend had just broken up with him, I felt really bad for him. I've been there, and it sucks more that anything. And I would never wish it on anyone.

5 comments:

  1. There are other things worth climbing mountains for, too. In fact, I think love sucks, too, if it's the only mountain you ever give your efforts to.

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  2. wow... andrew that was deep, i never thought of you as depressed

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  3. You never saw me when I was stressed out because of homework and dealing with crappy roommates/ex girlfriends. That's why.

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  4. I love the mountain metaphor!

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  5. Yeah? I was kinda surprised with myself when I came up with that. I must have heard it used somewhere else.

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